As a drug addiction recovery blogger with extensive lived experience, I can tell you that addiction recovery is a journey, not a destination. Tell you something you don’t know, right? It’s a series of moments stitched together by the thread of resilience. Every day, we wake up and choose sobriety, and while the path is fraught with challenges, it’s also filled with moments of profound beauty and self-discovery. This post is for those who are walking the same path, searching for meaning and solace in their struggles. You are not alone.

Waking up each morning, there’s a split second of peace before reality sets in. The weight of my past decisions, unique challenges, personal experiences, the faces of loved ones lost to addiction, and the memories of a relentless craving for a substance that once felt like a friend but betrayed me more than any enemy could. It’s a silent battle fought with every breath, every step, and every heartbeat. But with the morning light comes a choice.

A choice to embrace the day and face it with courage despite the shadows that linger. It’s a testament to our strength that we rise, even when it feels impossible. Each day in recovery is a victory, no matter how small, so be easy with yourself.

Go get something you have been eyeing but couldn’t justify spending on, take a long hot bath with lots of bubbles, oils, and herbs, and drink a cup of your favorite tea. Self-care is not selfish. You deserve it.

I often tell my kids that our morning sets the tone for our whole day and a great morning helps us to make our best choices. When I tell them this, I am trying to make them understand that when they start fighting with one another and with me, it stays.

I try to explain that they go to school/daycare and don’t give it a second thought. I’m glad for that, but I think about it all day. I think about how I shouldn’t have yelled or how I wish I had the time to sit down and find out what was going on. Morning is not a scene where extra time is a thing. I suffer from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, and I am going to be late for my own funeral. 

By pickup time, I can’t wait to hug them and find out what the deal was that morning. Why they were fighting or whatever the behavior was. No matter how many times I have this talk with them, they don’t get it.

It’s okay. They are kids, and kids will be kids. It’s really hard raising kids when you raised yourself, and… that didn’t work out so well for you. I never planned on having kids. I was a drug dealer, and I figured having kids wasn’t something a person suffering from opioid use disorder should do, so I didn’t.

I didn’t need medical advice from an addiction treatment center to tell me that ‘drug addicts’ shouldn’t have children. I watched all of the women I grew up with in jail lose their children, sometimes even after they had completed addiction treatment programs and had gotten their hopes up, and it looked to be the most painful of life’s experiences.

I watched their quality of life dissipate until it was no quality of life at all. A lot of people would try to avoid those suffering from that kind of pain, but even though I had no freaking clue about the pain of permanently losing custody of your child, I tried to be there for them in any way I could because I am an empath and I felt that pain.

Those women, their pain, and what happened to them afterward played a crucial role in my decision to not have children. Kids make us different people, and somehow, I was A-OK with having zero aspirations of being anything more than I was. Staying alive and re-upping were my focus.

(Cut to me eight years ago.) I was sitting on the toilet, in the apartment where I lived and sold drugs, staring at the second pink line on the test. Nothing in my life before or after has had such a profound impact on me, my life, my personal relationships, my mindset, or my drug use.

Suddenly, I was only thinking about how this wasn’t a safe space, not for me, and surely not for a baby. There were too many risk factors. Illegal drugs, traumatic events, and my daily life in general. Seeing that second line did something to me, and to this day, the best way I can explain it is to say that it gave me purpose. It wasn’t about me anymore.

Substance Use Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Insomnia, Anxiety Disorder, and chronic pain made Medication-Assisted Treatment (MAT) a must. Still, here I sit with two beautiful children, a 350k home, and a career that gives me the potential to help thousands of people realize that they deserve more than their addiction.

After lifetimes of generational drug abuse on every side of my family, I am determined to make my children the first in a long line of drug-free family members. My most important goal in life is to give them a childhood they don’t have to heal from. Here’s hoping.

My life and I are farrrrrrr from perfect, but we are progressing. I’m still in an MAT drug treatment program, still have hard days, and I still swear like a trucker. I can’t seem to shake it, and man, I have tried everything. I never in a million years would have thought I would kick dope or stop smoking cigarettes, but I have a serious problem not swearing.

Seriously, does anyone know why it’s so hard or have any ideas on how I can stop? I tried the rubber band on the wrist and all that and… Ouch. I work on myself daily, making the right choices and building healthy habits. I think I have actually become addicted to personal development, mine and yours.

Recovery Reflections is where I am going to share random stuff that I endure in long-term substance abuse recovery, as well as issues that may arise in life as a result of mental illness or  or whatever comes our way. This blog post is the first of many on this page where I will share these kinds of struggles as well as my many struggles in the pursuit of being an addiction recovery blogger, writing recovery blogs and/or drug addiction blogs. You like that? That’s right, there is SEO at its finest.

I’m not the best at putting myself out there in any way that would make one vulnerable, but this is sober living, and my sober living includes helping others, and if I am going to help others, I have to put myself out there so people know that I’m here.

It doesn’t matter whether you suffer from a mental health disorder, alcohol abuse, anxiety disorders, prescription drugs, an addictive stimulant drug, crack cocaine, or if you don’t have health insurance. All are welcome here, and all will find support and friendship here.